


Sobriety

by Sukiya62



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Dissociation, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Medication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25021540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sukiya62/pseuds/Sukiya62
Summary: It’s been several years since Kagome was forced back into the present after defeating Naraku. With the well permanently closed off and severing her connection to those she was closest to, Kagome struggles with finding her place in the present and coping with her mental health. And as Tanabata rolls around, she has to think of what she wants to wish for.Love will stunt your growthLove will make it hard to stay soberSo hard to stay sober
Relationships: Higurashi Kagome/Kouga
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26
Collections: Sparks Fly in July





	Sobriety

**Author's Note:**

> It's July!!! I know the event doesn't officially start until Saturday, so that way we have a full 4 weeks, but I'm impatient and need validation, and I'm behind on writing, so hopefully this will help get my ass in gear and finish this shit up, lol! But yea, I hope y'all will enjoy this! It's going to be a bit heavier than my other works ~~at least so far, lol~~ but it... idk I think it's just something I need to write, and I hope y'all will enjoy!
> 
> The title and lyrics are from an unreleased SZA song by the same name. It's really good and y'all should check it out! Anyways, let's get into this shit, lol ♥

It’s been five years since the battle with Naraku. Five years since the Sacred Jewel was destroyed. Five years since the well spat her out in the present, ripped away from her friends and those she considered family in the Feudal Era. Trapped in a time that had gradually become foreign to her and forced to carry on in the life she almost left behind.

Her depression had been horrible.

She hardly ate, barely spoke, and struggled to get up out of bed. She had lost so much weight then. Her family did everything they could, but there was only so much they could provide her. 

Kagome couldn’t go to therapy. What was she supposed to tell them? That she was in such a horrible state because she longed to be five hundred years in the past? Tell them that her likely PTSD stemmed from fighting demons all day and through the night? Even having been kidnapped by some and almost killed? Yeah, sure. She could do that. And then she would spend the rest of her life in a psych ward, and what good would that do? So... she had to suffer on her own, and figure out how to overcome all of it by herself. And she dealt with it the best way she knew how.

Burying herself in work and studies.

She finished up high school. Applied to college and started going into psychology. She learned a lot and found ways to help herself cope. Kagome soon started to get into art, and that further helped her gain tools to cope with the struggles of her mental health and inspired her to go into art therapy. Living in the Feudal Era for so long and dressing all those wounds made her want to continue to help people in whatever way she could. She may not be able to use her reiki, or maybe she could find a way to sneak it in, but she would do what she could. She wanted to provide to others what couldn’t be provided for her.

She only had two more years left at school, and during those two years she’d be able to start her internship and shadow professionals. She might not start out doing sessions right away, but that was fine. She could wait a couple more years.

For now, she would just keep putting her nose to the grindstone and bury herself in work until her goals were accomplished and the pain continued to ease.

Of course, she didn’t expect the pain to ever fully go away. That would be ridiculous. She’d had an _entire life_ there in the Feudal Era. She had built a spot for herself there only to have it ripped away from her. It had been a lot to deal and cope with when it first happened and it was _still_ difficult for her to wrap her head around.

There were nights where she still had nightmares. Not as bad as before, but still present. Still horrifying. All those battles continued to haunt her, and she hated it. But at the same time, she wouldn’t trade it for the world. The adventures, the discoveries, sleeping under an endless sky of stars... Gods did she miss it..

Kagome let out a soft sigh, setting down her pencil and looking over her art for a moment. She chewed on her lower lip before shutting the sketchbook and shoving it under her bed. It wasn’t that often she drew vent art anymore, but when she did she would fill the page up with so many sketches. Sometimes multiple pages. Thankfully, today was a one page kind of day.

She then went over to her closet and began to go through it. Today was the Tanabata Festival, and she was eager to attend. She hadn’t really participated the last four years it came around; really only going out of the house and tying her wish to the bamboo that was near the shrine. She’d pay her respects to the gods, spend some time by the Sacred Tree, and then go back to her room and dig deep into her studies once more. But this year, she wanted to change that. She felt like she was in a better place and would be able to enjoy the festival to the fullest this year, and so she planned to go all out. So she dug through her closet to find one of her kimonos. She didn’t have many, but she was looking for a _specific_ one.

When she finally found it, she giggled with excitement as she pulled it out. It was deep blue in color with pink and white camellias printed on it. The obi was a soft, pastel pink, the obiage was a dandelion yellow and her obijime was white with the obidome being a red camellia. Overall, it was just really pretty and one of her favorites. She began to change, eager for the day ahead of her for the first time in what felt like forever.

It took her a moment to get into it, and once it was time for the obi, she had to call her mother up to help her, but when it was all over and done with, she couldn’t help but look herself over in the mirror. She hadn’t looked this good and well put together in a while. There was still a lingering sadness in her eyes, and the bags underneath were still dark, but not like they used to be. She smiled softly at her reflection and set about to finishing up her look.

She pulled her hair up into a ponytail and then started on her makeup. It was simple, just natural in color with sharp winged eyeliner to help make her eyes pop. Her eyes had been a dark brown since the day she was born, but once she was dragged through the well and the Shikon Jewel was ripped out of her body, and as her spiritual powers had settled in and grew, they changed and now they were a bright blue. It had been weird to her, and she remembered freaking out when Inuyasha had first complimented the shade of blue her eyes were. She had been in utter disbelief that only increased every time she came back home and her family and friends had commented on it. Every time she had looked in the mirror, it was like staring at a stranger. It still somewhat shocked her even now, but it wasn’t like before. She supposed she was getting used to it, but today.. for some reason her eyes really caught her attention. They seemed to be a much richer blue than before, even more than yesterday.

She touched the skin underneath her eye and hummed softly to herself in confusion. She allowed some of her reiki to trickle into her fingertips. It felt the same as it always did. But it was odd.

Something just.. _felt_ _different_ but she couldn’t place what it was exactly. She let out a sigh and decided to dwell on it later. It probably wasn’t that important...

Once Kagome was all done getting herself ready, she made her way downstairs. Her mother beamed at her and came up and gave her a hug. “I’m so glad you’re joining us this year. We’ll make sure it’s nothing but fun.” she said, grabbing one of Kagome’s hands and giving it a small pat. 

She smiled softly at her and couldn’t help but feel a small pang in her chest at looking at their hands. It reminded her of Kouga. Gods she missed all of them... 

She sucked in a deep breath and tried to push memories from the past to the back of her mind. Shove them far down and lock them away in a box until later tonight, when she could take time to actually sit and process them.

Before too long, Souta and Gramps joined them as well and they started to head out.

* * *

The festival was _alive._

There were so many people and Kagome would be lying if she said she wasn’t a little overwhelmed. She had to take a moment to herself to calm down and try to keep herself grounded and fully present. She wanted to be there for this. Fully. Both physically _and_ mentally.

But once she was grounded and was positive she wasn't going to start dissociating, at least for a while, she rejoined her family and enjoyed the festival with them. They went to food stalls, played games and just.. had a good time. It was nice and Kagome was enjoying all of it.

She had received some compliments on her kimono, especially from some tourists that were there. She and her mother even had a couple pictures taken for the news article that was going to be written, and it was fun. The food was good and she won her brother a goldfish at one of the stalls with the paper net that most people thought was rigged. Maybe it was, but Kagome had gained a lot of skills, and patience, in the Feudal Era. It had only taken her three tries, and she ended up winning one for herself as well.

The only real thing Kagome had to complain about was the heat. It was the beginning of July, and the entire island was being hit with a massive heatwave. Because of this, they made sure to keep hydrated, and eventually Gramps had to leave to go back home so he wouldn’t overexert himself. Not long after that, their mother also decided to leave. She was worried about leaving Gramps alone, which was understandable.

“Watch out for each other, okay? Take care of each other, and don’t get lost.” she said.

“Yes Mom.” they both said in near unison.

They both knew they were old enough to take care of themselves, but there _were_ a lot of people. And it was so _hot_ outside already.. so they both understood what their mother meant. _Look out for each other and make sure neither of you overheats. Especially your sister._ So they did their best to stick together and take care of each other. Kagome did her best to not overdo herself, especially since she was all dressed up and the fabric wasn’t the most thin or breathable... Souta was on top of filling up her bottle continuously and making sure she didn’t run out, and she did the same for him. They stuck together, took breaks when needed, and at one point Kagome had to buy an uchiwa fan, but they made it work. They were able to power through until the night and the air started to cool. It was still hotter than most nights, but it was better.

They soon made their way to the shrine that was hosting the festival this year and would take their wishes. It was a long walk up the stairs, but it wasn’t anything they weren’t used to. The only thing that made it difficult was Kagome was still a little overheated from earlier. Her kimono felt tight, like it was restricting her chest and her breathing, even though she _knew_ it wasn’t. But she did her best to play it off. She wanted to get through the night. She wanted to just finish this _one_ thing. She wanted to see it through. She _would_ see it through.

The shrine was crowded.

Kagome could feel herself leaving once more and tried her best to bring herself back down to earth. She needed to stay grounded, but it was hard to fight. Eventually, a wall of glass came down around her and everything around her felt distant and foreign. Maybe she had pushed herself too much today... but it was too late to turn back now. She needed to make her wish.

Souta had a tight grip on her hand, and she tried to use that, but it felt foreign, detached. But at the same time it _burned_ and ate at her skin like flames. She did her best to try and control her breathing, but it was difficult since it didn’t feel like her body. She stared blankly ahead of them, at the back of Souta’s head as she did everything she could that wouldn’t go noticed, wouldn’t raise suspicion in her brother that something was wrong. She knew that she _should_ ask him for help, to take her back home, but she was in too deep now and Kagome was known to be quite stubborn.

And then her reiki sparked and she was suddenly slammed back into her body. She blinked, disoriented for a moment. _What the hell was that?_ She looked around, blinking, confused, and then she felt Souta come to a stop. They were in front of the station to write wishes. Right...

Souta seemed really excited, and he was talking to her about _something,_ and Kagome felt _terrible_ but she just _couldn’t_ focus on him no matter how hard she tried. Her brain was on overdrive trying to figure out what caused her reiki to lash out like that. Was there danger? Did some demons somehow make it into the present without her knowing? Were they hidden? _Did Naraku somehow manage to come back?_ Was that the price she paid other than being stuck in the wrong time with the wrong life? Her chest felt tight again and her body broke out into a heavy sweat that she _knew_ wasn’t from the heat. She did her best to quell her anxiety. Swallowing the lump that formed in her throat, she leaned down and began to write on a slip of forest green paper.

The thought of wishing for something gave her a small burst of anxiety. It was something that was difficult every year. That never changed... the stress and mild panic she felt whenever she wrote on the colored strip of paper. However this year it was worse. She supposed it was because she was already all stirred up, but that didn’t help to lessen the blow of her realization. Kagome took a moment to focus on her breathing, trying to calm it and then herself in turn. It was difficult though. Her hands were shaking and she could feel tears stinging her eyes and making her vision go watery. Shit, she could really use a joint right now... or hell, at the very least a _cigarette._ Why didn’t she at _least_ bring her pack of smokes she kept in her desk drawer? What the hell was she thinking?

She jumped when Souta placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, you okay sis?” he asked, concern all over his face.

 _Sis...._ Gods, why did it feel like it was a lifetime ago that she was called that? She blinked, trying to clear the memories from her mind, just doing what she could to keep the dam from breaking. She kept slapping patches on it, but she knew it was only a matter of time before it broke again..

She nodded, taking a shaky hand and removing her brother’s hand from her shoulder. “Yeah, I’m fine Souta. Promise.” she said with a forced smile.

She could tell he didn’t buy it, but he at least gave her the grace of leaving her alone and letting her carry on. She licked her lips nervously and turned back to the paper in front of her. For years her wish had been the same: let the well open up again, just once. But nothing had ever happened. It never worked. Maybe she just... needed to make the right wish.

Kagome took in a deep breath and slowly released it.

What did she really want? What was she _truly_ missing from that time? She took a moment to let some memories trickle through the dam, carefully, and sifted through them. She looked at all the consistencies of the good memories that meant the most to her. And the more she looked, the closer she came to a conclusion, and one that she believed and hoped Orihime would be sympathetic to and be more willing to grant. Kagome was grateful for her class in calligraphy as it helped with her kanji.

_I want to see Kouga again._

She missed him and the pack more and more each day. Of course she missed the others as well, especially Shippou... but if any of them were going to be able to survive into the present, she knew that Kouga and his pack would. And even if they didn’t... if the well could just open up one more time, give her just one night to spend with them on top of the mountain, under the stars and smoking... Well, maybe that would make the rest of her days pass a little easier.

She turned to Souta then and smiled at him. They then made their way over to some bamboo that had open branches. She giggled as she teased Souta about what he possibly wished for, poking and prodding at his arm. He brushed her off, but she pinched his cheek at seeing his blush. After that, though, she left him alone and turned her attention to the bamboo branch. She tried to calm her sudden burst of nerves and kept her thoughts focused on her wish and praying to Orihime.

She looked at her wish tied to the branch, just watching it for a moment. And the forest green paper fluttered in the wind and she felt something swell in her chest. It fit there. It was perfect.

Kagome felt light, and it had been a _long_ time since she felt like this. She turned to her brother, a genuine smile on her lips and laughter bubbling in her chest. She turned around so they could get ready to leave. The crowd had dispersed somewhat, creating a clear path to a row of bamboo on the other side of the shrine. A gentle breeze blew by once more, just as her reiki sparked when her eye caught a familiar figure. She was frozen, heart clenching painfully in her chest as he turned and their eyes locked.

His eyes were so blue, like they had always been.

This couldn’t be real.

He stood there, unmoving, just looking at her. Though she supposed she was doing the same thing, unable to move or really process what was in front of her. She could faintly feel Souta placing a hand on her arm, but it was a detached feeling. She knew he was speaking to her, but she couldn’t hear him. She felt suspended; not light, but not heavy. Not gone, but not fully present either. Every time she blinked, she expected him to disappear. She couldn’t feel his youki, so he had to be a vision, right?

And then he started walking towards her and her reiki sparked once more. It was suddenly really hard to breathe as he continued to come their way. Souta kept trying to get her attention, but her gaze was fixed.

When he was only a couple steps away from them and she could see him in better detail, she came crashing down as her senses came back to her. The wind was knocked out of her and she could feel Souta’s fingers digging into her arm, finally hearing his concern for her.

He seemed to realize she was back and gave her arm a soft tug. “Kagome, what’s wrong?”

And he was there, standing in front of them. Shock and awe was written all over his face and she couldn’t rip her eyes away from his bright baby blues. “Kouga...” she breathed out, in just as much disbelief as he was.

“Kagome...” His voice was deeper than before, rumbling in his chest in a way that sent a chill running up her spine. He slowly reached a hand out for her, and Kagome wanted to take it, but she couldn’t physically move. It was hard enough to just simply _breathe_ right now. It felt like she had to force the air in and out of her lungs and actually _concentrate_ on it in order for it to occur.

Souta took a small step in between them. “Who are you, and how do you know my sister?” he asked. 

Kagome was finally able to gain some control over her body. She placed a hand on her brother’s shoulder and gave him a soft smile. “Thank you, Souta, but it’s okay. This is Kouga, he’s a friend from the Feudal Era.” she said, making sure to keep her voice somewhat low so no one could overhear them.

Realization dawned on him and he turned to look at Kouga. He hadn’t taken his eyes off of her and she felt her body heat up under his intense gaze. “Sorry.. I didn’t know.” Souta said, bringing a hand to the back of his neck and rubbing nervously. He then turned back to Kagome. “Do you... want me to head on home without you? I’ll let Mom know.”

Kagome licked her lips before answering. “Y-Yeah. If you wouldn’t mind. I’ll try not to be out too late.”

He nodded and she gave him her goldfish to put in the pond behind the shrine. She watched her brother leave, taking a couple moments to look back at her and make sure she was okay before he was out of sight. Once he was, she turned her attention back to Kouga.

His hand was still outstretched to her.

She took it and her breath hitched in the back of her throat. He was here. He was actually physically there in front of her, and his hands were so large, rough and warm. Tears brimmed in her eyes and quickly poured over. A sob caught in her throat, and before Kouga could really do anything, she found herself wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his chest.

“You’re here..” she mumbled, voice wavering from the sobs she was so desperately trying to hold back.

And then he was wrapping his arms around her and resting his cheek against the top of her head. “I’m here..” he whispered, his warm timbre soothing her, but also making her cry even harder.

Her nails dug into his back, balling up the fabric of his shirt in her hands. All she could do was thank Orihime for finally, _finally_ granting her wish.

* * *

They ended up moving away from the festival all together and found a park to sit in and take time to catch up. They were sitting on a park bench and when Kouga had pulled out a pack of smokes, Kagome had been beyond relief and bummed a cigarette off of him.

Kouga chuckled as he pulled his lighter out and lit it up for her. “Didn’t think you’d get yourself into smoking.” he said, voice light with humor. Gods, she could listen to him talk all day...

She took a quick drag, instantly feeling herself settle and calm down as she blew the smoke out into the night air. “I blame _you_ for that.” she replied, a wicked grin on her face.

“Me?”

“Yes, you! Do you not remember that night I celebrated the harvest moon with you all? That was the first time I had ever smoked _anything!_ And you started me off with weed, to boot!”

Kouga laughed, head tilting back and covering his face with one of his hands.

“Yeah, go ahead and laugh all you want. Do you realize just how _difficult_ it was for me to find a dealer with how strict the laws are around here?” She playfully bumped her shoulder against his, which just made him laugh harder. She took another drag of her cigarette and then knocked off the building ash that was threatening to fall off.

He soon calmed down and draped an arm across the back of the bench and Kagome resisted the urge to let out a sigh of content. “Well, sorry to be such a bad influence on you.” he said, taking a pull. Her heart skipped a beat as she watched a cloud of smoke pass his lips and fade away into the air.

“Well... you could’ve been worse.” she replied, resisting the urge to lean into him. “Besides... it’s helped me cope with... _certain events..”_ she added, gaze turning down towards the ground. She took another drag to quell the nerves that were trying to build.

She could feel his eyes on her, and she could only imagine the questions that were burning in the blue depths of his eyes. She took another drag and released the smoke with a sigh.

“It's been really hard for me ever since the battle with Naraku. I know that’s probably a lifetime ago for you, and I can relate to that on a certain level... but it’s only been five years for me... Just...” She let out a sigh, fighting back tears and taking another pull and flicking more ash off. “I couldn’t go to therapy, I couldn’t cope in any.. _normal_ kind of way because of the situation. I mean, tell me who you think is going to believe that one day, I went into the well house to save my _stupid_ cat and then got pulled in by a fucking _centipede demon_ and this jewel was _ripped_ _out of my body_ and I was magically somehow _five hundred years_ in the past? No one, no one is going to believe that. And then all the times I was captured or almost killed? I just...” Another sigh and another drag. Her cigarette was almost gone now. She was fucking wasting it on talking.

She decided she would rather finish off her cigarette, and did as such. It also gave her a moment to collect her thoughts and sort out what she wanted to talk about. After a moment, she decided to take a risk and let her eyes drift over to look at Kouga. He looked so concerned and... remorseful? She averted her eyes again so she could finish off her cigarette and dump it in the ash bin that was by the bench, giving herself a moment to gather up her courage to face him.

“What’s that look for?” she asked.

“I’m sorry you had to go through all that, Kagome.” He finished off his own cigarette and passed it to her so she could dispose of it.

“I mean.. it’s fine. There’s nothing you could’ve done..” she murmured.

He gingerly touched her arm, causing her to look over at him once more. “I know.. but I just... I wish I had known earlier where you were, or that you were even from this time. Maybe I could’ve done something sooner.” Her eyebrows furrowed at that and Kouga let out a nervous laugh. She couldn’t think of a time that she ever saw him nervous before. “There are still demons around. We have to hide our presence with glamours. They even hide our youki. But, my point is that there are some demons who act as therapists. I could help get you set up if you’d like.” he offered.

Kagome could only stare at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly open from shock. More tears welled in her eyes and she soon found herself hugging him tightly once more. Gods, how many times was she going to cry tonight? He wrapped his arms around her, burying his nose in her hair.

“Will you let me help you, Kagome?”

She sniffled, tightening her grip on him. “Yes, please..”

They stayed like that for a couple moments before eventually pulling away. She took a moment to collect herself before they got back to talking, catching up. Kouga told her what he knew about her friends and how their lives were after her departure. Sango and Miroku got married and had quite a few kids. Shippou went on to do and accomplish quite a lot. His magic grew fantastically and he lived a good full life.

She licked her lips nervously. She just had one question left for him and she wasn’t sure how he’d react to it. “What about Inuyasha?” she asked quietly.

She eyed Kouga carefully and frowned slightly at seeing him tense up for a moment before letting out a breath. “I didn’t keep up with him as much as Shippou. But once you were dragged back and locked in this time, apparently that other miko, Kikyo, came back. Of course, that _mu–_ ” He paused for a moment, taking in a deep breath and slowly letting it out. “ _Inuyasha_ went back to her and spent all his time with her. Not sure why the jewel decided to revive her fully but... maybe it was to fix what Naraku caused. But I heard from Shippou that they got married and I think they had a pup or two.”

Kagome nodded. So that helped explain some things for her then... She smiled softly at her hands which were folded in her lap. “I’m glad he was able to be happy..”

“You’re not upset?”

Kagome chewed on her upper lip for a moment before shaking her head. “No. All I ever wanted was for Inuyasha to be happy. Even when I had feelings for him, I knew he would always choose Kikyo over me, and I was fine with that. But... after the jewel disappeared and I was brought back here, my feelings for him just.... disappeared?”

Kouga’s brows furrowed at that. “What do you mean?”

Kagome mulled over her words for a moment. She reached for the pack of cigarettes between them and pulled one out, lighting it up and taking a long drag before she spoke again. “I think whatever part of my soul that I shared with Kikyo returned to her? Just.. I still love Inuyasha, just.. not the way I did before, you know? He’ll always be important to me, but if I were there in the past right now, I don’t think I’d be _with_ him. I think that those feelings I had for him were borrowed from Kikyo.”

Kouga nodded. “Thought so.”

She looked at him, confused. “Y– What do you mean by that? You _knew?_ ”

“I didn’t _know..._ I just had a feeling.” he replied with a shrug.

Kagome turned to fully face him. “Explain.”

He ran a hand over his face and Kagome waited patiently, smoking her cigarette. “There was just something off about your scent and your aura.” He turned to her and took her free hand in both of his. Her heart stuttered in her chest. “Kagome, you’re just so _warm._ Your aura, your scent, it just _radiates_ sunshine and the feeling of spring. But there was a hint of coldness and the harsh sting of winter that just never seemed to fit with you. But it’s not present on you anymore.”

Kagome needed a moment to process this information... She turned her head away, taking long drags and looking pensively up at the sky. It felt so weird to be with Kouga and not see a sky full of stars, or being surrounded by the warm bodies and fur of the wolves that lived in his den. She finished up this cigarette fairly quickly and she felt a bit disappointed she had gone through it that fast. But she should probably cool it anyway. She tossed the butt into the ash bin and let out a soft sigh.

“Well, I guess I’m glad to know that whatever feelings I feel now are my own.” she replied with a nervous chuckle.

“And what would those be?” His voice rumbled deep in his chest and her body felt hot once more. Unfortunately she couldn’t blame the heat, as the night had cooled _significantly._

She swallowed the lump in her throat and looked over at him. His eyes sparkled in the moonlight and for a moment her nerves were forgotten as she got lost in them. It took her longer than she’d like to admit to get back inside her own head and stop being so damn distracted, but once she was, her eyes shifted away from his for a moment to collect herself before she directed her gaze back to him. She chewed on her upper lip for a moment before she answered. “I think... I think that I’ve always had feelings for you, Kouga. I just couldn’t fully grasp them with Kikyo’s influence over my heart. But being trapped on this side of the well for five years? It’s given me time to think and reflect and... I’ve had feelings for you since that battle with the Birds of Paradise.”

She wanted to say more, but any words she had died on her tongue. There was an emotion she couldn’t place in his eyes that made her heart race and her legs twitch to run. The blue of his eyes seemed to be.. darker somehow, and the grip he had on her hand tightened. She felt trapped, pinned down by his gaze and something in it felt familiar. Similar to when she would be targeted by a particularly powerful demon and she felt terrified to her core, but also similar to other times he had looked at her in the past, a lot on the night of the harvest moon. She licked her lips, her palms turning sweaty and if it weren’t for the tight grip he had on her, she would’ve wiped them on her kimono. It would be too weird to wipe one off, right? She opened her mouth to speak despite how dry her mouth felt, but before she could get a single sound out, Kouga was pulling her close and pressing her face into his shoulder. One of his hands cradled the back of her head while the other rested on her back, his fingers digging into the material of her kimono.

It was weird that he didn’t have claws...

Kouga’s breathing seemed heavy, taking deeper breaths than he usually did. She could feel the rise and fall of his chest, his nose digging into her hair and brushing teasingly along the side of her neck. The words she was going to say died on her tongue and quickly vacated her mind, leaving her speechless and wondering what to do. All she could really focus on was his breathing, the way his breaths felt against her and the warmth of his body. She had always felt a sense of calm and safeness in his arms, but that feeling seemed to have grown exponentially. His arms felt like home, and Kagome soon found herself closing her eyes and sliding her hands up along his back to grip at his shoulders. She nuzzled her face into his shoulder and she felt his fingers tighten on her back, the hand on her head gripping her hair ever so slightly.

Her heart pulsed throughout her entire body and beat against her ribcage. It felt heavy in her chest and she was finding it a bit more difficult to breathe. She couldn’t really place why, as it didn’t feel bad or scary like all the other times she was left breathless. But she soon realized she felt like this quite often in Kouga’s presence. Before she had any real time to linger and dig deeper into this topic to try and figure out the reason why, she felt Kouga let out a puff of breath against her neck and his hold on her loosened ever so slightly.

“Let me take you home, Kagome.” There was a slight growl to his voice that reverberated through his chest and into hers, due to their proximity. It made her heart skip and stutter.

“Okay...” she breathed out.

It took a moment before Kouga finally pulled away from her, though she wasn’t really complaining. In fact, she would’ve been fine remaining like that for even just a bit longer. But she would have to settle and be satisfied with him simply walking her home.

She watched as Kouga rose from the bench, picking up the pack of cigarettes on his way up and tucking them into his jeans pocket. He then turned to her, and Kagome stared at him, wide eyed as the moon illuminated him from behind, making it look like he was glowing. His eyes sparkled and shined and left her hypnotized, lost in their depths. She barely registered that he was holding out a hand to her, but when she finally did it took a moment before she could tear her eyes away. She looked at his hand and placed hers in it, noting the difference in size and how warm and calloused his hand was. It took everything in her to not rub her hand along his and weave her fingers through his. Instead, she thanked him and brushed the wrinkles out of her kimono now that she was standing.

Kouga waited patiently for her and once she was ready, they started walking. It was silent for a moment, and Kagome couldn’t really tell if it was awkward or not. It seemed like a good midway point between comfortable and awkward. She wasn’t sure how to feel about it, but thankfully it was broken fairly quickly by idle chatter that was _far_ less heavy than their previous conversation. She didn’t mind talking about her trauma, but she never really liked doing it for long periods of time. It was a lot to unpack, and then she just had to repackage it and put it away again for later. She just... wanted to talk about it, get it all laid out, inspected and dissected to where it was easy and she felt like she could breathe again.

But that never happened. Because that’s what therapy is for, and she needed therapy.

Kagome did her best to set this train of thought to the side. She could dwell on that later tonight. For now, she wanted to enjoy the rest of her time with Kouga for the day. And so she did just that. She talked to Kouga about school, what she was studying for, and where she was hoping to be at in the next couple years. She told him all about her family, because she didn’t recall a time in the past where she ever had, and her family was important to her. They always did what they could to help her, and she appreciated them so much for everything. She talked about her friends from this era, what they were like, their interests, and what they were currently up to and how they were going to meet up later in the week to catch up. Anything she could think of, she brought up and talked to him about to pass the time of the long walk ahead of them, and to try and push down any bad thoughts that tried to rear their ugly heads. 

And when she eventually ran out of things to say, she turned to him. “Well, anyways... I feel like I’ve been talking forever. What have you been up to? How were you able to make it and live this long, if you don’t mind me asking..” She had wanted to ask him much earlier into the night, but once they had finally sat down and were able to talk at length, different things came to mind. But at least she’d be able to get her answers now. Or at least she hoped.

Kouga chuckled a bit. “You’re fine, Kagome. You know I don’t mind.” he said, flashing her a grin. His canines were the same size as your typical human. Kagome wasn’t sure if she liked it. She preferred seeing his fangs... Of course, she was certain they were still there. She just... wished she could see them. He didn’t _fully_ feel like Kouga without them, same for his now missing pointed ears and tail and his fur armor. He looked _too_ human.

“It was rough. We had a lot of adjusting to do throughout the years. There was a small period of time where we just hid in the mountains and the forests. But once that option was no longer viable, well... we were kind of forced to move into the city, or the countryside at the very least and find ways to blend in. We knew ways to temporarily hide our... _less_ than human features, but it wasn’t going to be viable in the long run. So, eventually, the old council got together and we traveled out west until we found a solution from the fae over in Europe. They’ve had glamours for a long time, apparently.” he said with a chuckle. Kagome listened intently, hanging on every word and staring up at him in wonder.

“They last through an entire work day, typically wearing off right as we get home. Pulling doubles can be a bit hard, as you have to take two a day then, but you know..” he said with a shrug. “Ginta, Hakkaku and I all work down at the police department, and volunteer for the fire station some days as well. They really like having us down there. We’re pretty good at finding and rescuing people.” he added, a wicked grin on his face. 

Kagome laughed and gave him a playful shove. “Well gosh, I wonder why.” she teased, raising an eyebrow. “But anyway, how are Ginta and Hakkaku doing? I’ve missed them as well.”

“They’re doing alright. Busy, picking up a lot of shifts because we... honestly don’t really have anything better to do. You humans made pretty much everything a little too convenient.”

“Pretty much everything? What have we missed?”

His smile softened a bit, a sadness hidden in the depths of his eyes. “The stars.”

Her smile faltered as well, quickly turning into a frown. “Yeah... I really miss being able to sleep under the stars. Planetariums aren’t the same...”

“That and they kick you out if you stay in there too long.”

They both chuckled a bit at that. “Yeah, you tell them you’re in there sketching and they kick you out anyway, saying that you spend too much time in there and should have it down already.” 

Kouga raised an eyebrow at that. “Spending all your time at planetariums, huh? No longer getting into trouble?” he teased.

“Not _too_ particularly these days.”

“Ha, well then, maybe I should change my job so I can see more of you then. Woulda figured with how you had a way of getting into trouble that I would’ve seen ya by now.”

“You won’t need to change your job just to see more of me.” she replied, a sly grin on her face. It took Kagome a moment to register what she had just said, and what kind of look she had just paired it with and promptly wanted to dissolve into the sidewalk. _Gods_ she was being bold and forward today. What was with her?

Yes, Kouga had feelings for her, but that was _five hundred years_ ago. That was a long time for anyone, even a demon. He had likely already mourned her, thinking she was dead when she never came by again and had suddenly just up and disappeared, and had moved on by now. Maybe he had someone new in his life. He more than likely had found a suitable mate for himself and maybe even had....

That last thought caused her more pain than she’d like to admit.. but the chances of her being right were high. He more than likely moved on and here she was, still stuck in the past, still discovering her feelings for him and just how _large_ they were and she was just dredging up the past. A past that everyone except her had time to move on and away from. It probably only meant this much to her, she was more than likely overthinking things and seeing things that weren’t actually there, just hoping.

So, she laughed it off, trying to keep her hand from shaking as she pushed a couple of loose strands back behind her ear. “Sorry, I’m just really happy to see you again. It’s been so long and I miss everyone.” Even though she apologized and was trying to brush it off, she felt like she had only further shoved her foot into her mouth.

But they were now in front of the shrine steps and she wasn’t sure if Kouga was taking her _all_ the way home, or just to this stopping point. She was sure he wanted to run away by now, put as much distance in between them as possible until she could act _normal_ again. If he even wanted to see her at _all_ after all of this. 

She swallowed the lump in her throat, still not looking him in the eye, and let out a nervous laugh. “Well, this is me. I don’t know if you wanted to follow me all the way up or not?” She tried to keep any hint of hope out of her voice.

“I said I was going to walk you home, didn’t I?” he asked. 

She finally looked up at home once again and his gaze was tender and warm and set her heart at ease. She tried not to read too hard into it. She simply nodded and smiled back at him. Then they turned to the steps and made their way up. A silence fell over them and Kagome wasn’t sure how to feel about it. She couldn’t tell if it was comfortable or not, but she supposed it didn’t fully matter. They’d be in front of her house before she knew it and they’d say their goodbyes and who knows when she’d see the wolf again. He said he wanted to see more of her, but it was just a joke, right? She held back a sigh as they reached the top of the stairs and started walking towards her home, stopping halfway to it.

Kagome chewed on her cheek for a moment before she found the courage to turn and look at him. His eyes were already on her, piercing straight through her soul yet warm and welcoming all at the same time.

“Thank you for walking me.. and for offering me help. I really appreciate it.”

“Of course, any time Kagome. You know I’m always here for you.” His smile was warm and soft and it made her chest feel light and heavy all at once. Something seemed to dawn on him and she watched as he reached into his pocket. “Speaking of which, we should probably exchange numbers, so I can send you all the info. And to stay in touch.”

Kagome nodded and hummed in agreement, reaching for the pouch she had and pulled out her phone. They exchanged numbers and their email before putting their phones away once more. Kagome stood there a bit awkwardly, not sure what to do or say next. She licked her lips as she looked down at the stones for an answer. They didn’t give her anything, unfortunately.

When she finally thought of something to say, she looked up, taking in a breath and working up her courage. Her heart stopped and her breath caught. Kouga was a lot closer to her than he had been earlier.... Her body grew hot and the kimono felt tight around her chest as she forced herself to breathe and tried to settle the tumultuous storm her thoughts were in.

“I’m really glad to see you again, alive and well... at least, physically that is.” he said, his voice hushed and followed by a soft laugh.

She did her best to swallow the lump in her throat. “Yeah... I’m really glad to see you too.” she breathed, surprised at how even her voice was.

“I’ll text you later.” He brought a hand up to her face, brushing a thumb under her eye. Was it always this difficult to breathe?

“Okay..” She wanted to say more, _so_ much more.. but she couldn’t figure out how to formulate her feelings into words, so she settled with a soft smile.

He returned her smile and then searched her eyes for a moment. She wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but when he cupped her jaw, she guessed he found it. She felt a small sharp spike of panic as he leaned closer to her. But he wasn’t leaning in towards her face. She blinked, confused and also a bit starstruck as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He lingered for a moment before he pulled away. She struggled internally with herself, fighting back the urge to hold onto him and keep him there and close to her.

Kouga smiled at her and she felt a twinge of sadness as he pulled his hand away from her face. “I’ll see you, Kagome.” he said with a bit of a wave.

She smiled meekly and waved back. “See you, Kouga.”

And she watched as he walked away.

* * *

Kagome shut her bedroom door with a sigh. She draped her hair towel over her shoulders to keep her shirt from getting wet. Her bath had been well deserved and _super_ relaxing and just what she needed. She had soaked for a while, letting the warm water soothe her. And now, it was time for the rest of her nightly routine.

She opened up one of the drawers in her desk and picked up two sticks of incense. She grimaced involuntarily at the blue notebook that rested in the same drawer, reaching in with her free hand to grab the lighter and quickly shut the drawer. She lit one of the sticks and blew it out before setting it into the holder she had for it. She set the extra stick down next to it before plopping down into her chair. Now seated, she grabbed her headphones and plugged them into her phone and started up one of her playlists. After that, she reached over and opened the drawer on the other side of her desk and carefully pulled out a box. She set it down and started to unpack it.

She set down a tray and pulled out a jar that had her stash of weed in it, quickly followed by a cigarillo, pineapple flavored. She closed the box and turned towards her window, opening it up a crack before she started to cut into the cigarillo. As autopilot began to take over, she took a moment to continue processing the events of the day, but did her best to stay calm. This was all part of her wind down after all.

She was still in shock that she had ran into Kouga today. Honestly, what were the odds of that? She desperately wished she had someone she could talk to about it, but she didn’t. What she wouldn’t give to have Sango sitting on her bed and giving her advice on what to do. Hell, she’d even take Miroku. He was a pervert, sure, but he had some pretty sage wisdom and gave great advice. Well, when it wasn’t to his own benefit and didn’t involve pretty women.

Kagome couldn’t help but chuckle as memories trickled by. But she let herself relive them, now that she was in the safety of her own home and about to roll up a nice fat one to forget her worries for the night.

She frowned a bit to herself as she pulled out her grinder and unscrewed the cap on the jar that held her weed. She had hoped that Shippou would’ve lived long enough to reach this time, but she knew that Kitsunes didn’t have that long of a lifespan in comparison to most demons. While she was grateful to have answers, a part of her wished she had been left in the dark. What would’ve caused more harm to her? She honestly wasn’t sure... She just knew that she missed her friends, her _family.._ and especially the kit that she had considered her own.

The rhythmic turning of the grinder was oddly soothing in a way. She turned the volume up by two on the song that came on as she took the top off of the grinder and looked down into the chamber. It looked to be enough, especially if she mixed in some of the tobacco. So she set to starting to fill up her blunt, mixing in a little bit of the tobacco she had taken out of it.

As she started to roll up, her thoughts drifted back to Kouga. His hands were so warm and large... She could still feel the way his thumb felt as it brushed underneath her eye, a little rough, but soothing. She wanted to believe there were feelings still there, she wanted to so _desperately.._ but she couldn’t allow herself to hope like that. She had already been through so much and she was just now starting to turn around, she couldn’t risk that with just one wrong thought.

She could almost hear Sango’s voice in the back of her head arguing with her. “You can’t stay guarded forever, Kagome. That’s not healthy either. Besides, he gave you a kiss on top of your head, right? That has to mean _something._ You know that, don’t try to argue with me.”

Kagome sighed. She paused her music so she could mumble under her breath and not be loud enough to be overheard. “I know, I _know...._ But wolves are affectionate in general. Something like that could just be friendly.” She shrugged and she could _see_ the look that Sango would give her, the roll of her eyes.

Kagome really needed this fucking blunt.

Her phone vibrated, jolting her out of her thoughts as it vibrated the desk. She had just finished licking it closed, or as she liked to sometimes jokingly think, making out with it. She pulled a small piece of weed off of her tongue and stuck it back into her grinder and then wiped the saliva on her pants before picking up her phone.

It was from Kouga.

**[ Here’s the information for you for that therapist I was talking about ]**

Attached to it was a link to a website. She’d look over it tomorrow.

[ Thank you. I really appreciate it ]

**[ Anytime, Kagome. You doing alright? ]**

She chewed on her lower lip, considering how she wanted to answer as she put her things away. Once everything was packed away into the box and was back inside her desk, she allowed herself to answer.

[ Yeah, just getting ready for bed. You? ]

**[ I’m good. I’ll leave you be so you can sleep. Talk to ya tomorrow? ]**

Her index finger tapped against the surface of her desk and she bit back a smile.

[ Sounds good. Goodnight Kouga ]

**[ Night Kagome ]**

She put her headphones back in and resumed her music before locking her phone. She lit her second incense, throwing away the stick from the first one. She rolled her chair over by the window and opened it up just a touch more, enough for her to lean out slightly. She lit up her blunt, taking a long pull before blowing it out. It caught a little funny in her throat and she had to cough a bit, but other than that it was nice. She took a sip of water to soothe her throat before taking another pull. 

Kagome rested her elbows on the window sill and looked up at the night sky. The moon was shining bright, and the little amount of stars she could see were nice. She wished she was back in the Feudal Era, on top of the mountain with Kouga and his pack. 

One star stood out against the night sky, shining brightly. If she remembered her astrology correctly, it was the star Vega, which Orihime represented. She sat up a bit straighter, blowing out a puff of smoke as she did so. She looked over the star curiously, questions burning inside her. She started to feel tingling all over her body as the weed started to settle in her system. She took another pull and considered for a moment before blowing the smoke back out.

“Thank you, Orihime, for granting my wish. I know I pray to you every year and it hasn’t worked, but I guess my wish was too selfish, huh?” She let out a weak chuckle as she pulled again from the blunt. “But I guess this time I did something right... I made the right wish...” Tears brimmed in her eyes as flashes of the Shikon Jewel crossed her mind, causing her to look down at the ground below her. The look that had been on everyone’s face, the last thing she had ever seen of them.... If she had made a different wish then, would things have worked out better? Or worse? Was this the best outcome? It was difficult to say, really... There was no way she could ever know.

Kagome let out a sigh and took an especially large pull. Once she blew it out, she directed her gaze back up at the star. The bright light coming from it caused feelings to stir in her chest. She wasn’t sure what those feelings were, likely a large mix of different and conflicting emotions.

“I want to say and ask so much more... but I don’t even know where to begin, or if you can even help me with them in the first place. I know you don’t have all the answers, that’s not what you’re about... but....” Another pull and a small coughing fit. She took a large swig of water, but still felt a tightness in her chest that she wasn’t sure if it was from the weed or her increasing feelings. “Regardless.. I can’t thank you enough, Orihime. Thank you..”

With that, she finished what she could and put out the roach. She hid it in a separate jar she kept in her desk. She could just toss the rest of it into another one later. She closed the drawer again and then got out of her chair and reached for her sketchbook under her bed. She sat down on her bed, pushing her pillows up against the wall so she could be properly propped up as she sketched. She reached over to the window and closed it just enough to leave a crack, enough to help air out the smoke.

She then set about sketching, getting anything out she felt she needed to. She knew her sketches could potentially be hard to read later since she was doing this high, or it could be her best work yet. There wasn’t really any in between.

Kagome drew for an hour, filling up two full pages and occasionally munching on a bag of chips she kept under her bed before she started to get tired. She let out a soft sigh, closing her sketchbook and shoving it back under her bed. Her bag of chips was now empty, so she tossed it into the trash can by her desk. She turned her light off and made her way back to her bed. She curled up under the sheet and it wasn’t long before she fell away into blissful sleep.


End file.
